jinkx
sometimes i close my eyes and imagine myself in your bedroom again.
it's the carpet on my feet, the clothes in a pile against the wall that you swear you'll wash, the scattered bookshelves with books you've somehow all read, and finally you - standing there in your favorite white crop-top.
i'm supposed to look at you and see myself in it. it's the left earring you wear, the lisp as you talk, the short shorts - and yet i only have the lisp. i can only see myself in the reflection of the glasses i've always known you in, and that's as close as i think it’ll ever get.
a lot of the time i just sit on your bed as you pace around explaining the world, occasionally hitting the ceiling fan pull strings. "Jinkx Monsoon is headlining this show. Jinkx, Anthony!!” you say excitedly as you go through your closet.
"You know if you ever truly embraced it, I'm sure you can rock a crop-top" you tease as you sort through shirts, crop tops, button downs, all color-coded and neat in comparison to my silicon valley outfit of black shirts and black pants.
it's the jewelry stand on the top shelf that always grabs my attention. necklaces, earrings, and every piercing imaginable - even ones i'm scared to ask about.
i always sit at the edge of your bed with my feet dangling and swinging around as i avoid looking at you. somehow from every angle, you're always able to look down at me.
i think about how you pace around the room trying to think about where we'd go. i'm not the biggest fan of drag races, gay bars, or even the occasional party. i like staying in.
it's the small bounce in your step, the lisp a bit more pronounced when you drink, the way you grab my hand as you convince me to go out. “You don’t have to go out if you don’t want to. I won’t be mad” is a lie i think we both pretend to not notice.
it never feels great to disappoint you like this. the sighs that land in sync with you slouching down on the couch flipping through various netflix titles of shows i should know: pose, young royals, love victor, and plenty more that i can see in your recently watched list.
"Anthony, you know this is okay right?” is a phrase i can practically hear in your voice if i close my eyes.