nightmare

it's always the same place, same clothes, same you. it's just us dancing and hanging out completely ourselves in a club until you check your phone. suddenly you're worried looking around. you check your garmin and you look back at me with disappointment.

"Anthony I- I'm sorry I gotta go."

"wait why, it's only 11pm?"

"Yeah, Anthony. It's 11PM. I gotta work. I've got to prepare lunch for the kiddos. I've got things to do."

"why can't you just stay, man? we could have fun and-"

"Anthony. I'm an adult now. It's not like before."

and every time i check my phone after you say that and it's open on your contact card. it just flashes between different memories of it throughout the years. different nicknames on it, profile photos, addresses, notes, all of them just switching through until a blur into an almost unrecognizable contact card. it's you, obviously you. but, it's a you i'm scared to accept.

the fun nickname is gone. there's a professional email now and a work address added. linkedin link shows up on the contact card and you're wearing work attire behind a corporate background on your photo. your legal name is here instead of the name i've always called you by.

there's no fun here anymore. the profile pictures i remember setting wont let me scroll back to them. my chest starts to feel heavy and scared. my arms, hands, my entire body feels cold trying to process this in front of me. each time i have this dream it feels like i'm processing the news for the first time completely raw.

shaking in hands i look up from my phone and you're just...gone. no goodbye, no nothing. gone.

despite being in a crowded club, i'm alone and i don't know what's supposed to be next. the thought of next feels forced and wrong, but somehow only wrong to myself and no one else.

ever since i moved to new york i feel like i have this nightmare at least 2 or 3 times a week. i've been going out to clubs and concerts with a friend about 2 years younger than me. we're dancing, having fun, and just being ourselves completely in front of each other.

and within a few hours, i find myself reaching to my phone and checking the time. i wonder if you can see how mortified i am on my face and i worry i'd have a hard time explaining it. i look down at the time on the screen and for a second i can't tell if i'm even awake.