the gayborhood

last time i was there i picked up a package at the UPS and the guy behind the register seemed to be flirting with me i think. he said i lost a lot of weight compared to my ID photo and must be hitting the gym and he wants my secrets. i said it’s because of my ozempic prescription (i’m not the best at flirting)

i felt so out of place. granted, as someone who quite literally hung around stonewall in NYC and somehow stumbled upon it multiple times when just casually walking around and felt fine there, i somehow feel out of place here. there are so many rainbows and guys just…being gay. there was just a gay dude waving a giant pride flag. just. doing it. idk what for, but he was there when i first got there, there went i left. dude was waving a flag on a sidewalk for an hour - maybe it’s a new exercise method? i don’t know.

i’m scared to go to gay bars, mostly because i’ve never gone on my own. i’ve sat down in one, bought a drink, understood the references on the chalkboard behind the bartender, and realized the joke about gay bars basically giving pure liquor is true.

i’ve had a lot of people ask to go with me, but considering they’re straight, i’ve never wanted to go. can you imagine going with my 6” jacked roommate and i’m just a sipping rum and coke while he’s getting complemented on? i’ve seen it before when a guy started playing with his nipples just out of nowhere. there’s a part of straight guys (whether they’ll admit it or not) that likes going to gay bars because they get complemented on.

there’s also this fear of not being gay enough for people, like when i got invited to go to a drag brunch with my sister. suddenly im thrown in with demon twinks and straight women who’ve watched drag race to the point they know all the references they’re saying. granted, i’m chronically online to know a majority of them, but it was really the first time i went to a gay event, and not only that, i didn’t feel like i was supposed to be there.

be in my shoes for a bit, you’re supposed to be this gay expert almost, watch every drag show episode, know all the references, be cool with sexual themes in front of friends or family, and just, be this ideal gay they have in their head that you’re supposed to be.

and even then if you tone it down a bit, say going to a gay bar, same thing. it would be that i’m not flirting enough or “i was able to flirt with a guy, even though i’m straight, why can’t you?” that i can already imagine you saying.

there’s a large disconnect between what being gay means, what it means to me, and frankly what it means to you. to me, it’s no different than liking certain pizza toppings (mushroom and jalapeños) while to you it’s my whole personality. there’s also the factor that being gay means that i’m overly sexual and that i tell people if i’m a top or bottom, making sex jokes, and overall just talking about my “high risk homosexual behavior” if you ask aetna.

there’s nothing wrong with those who are and constantly waive pride flags and talk about their sex life. i’m just, not one of those people. and i want it to be okay that i’m not.

there’s a lot of fears that i have and it’s hard managing one that is not only integral to my identity to you, but that’s just…me. it’s something that i don’t know how to explain to you or you make some trampoline olympic brain logic that somehow i’m incorrect in how i feel.