you

i’ve never written to myself before, like ever i don’t think. maybe besides those “time capsules” that you do in middle school and then everyone in the school forgets about. or who knows, maybe mine was already dug up and they found me talking about my dog.

i’ve been in a really nostalgic state recently and it’s getting to the point it’s getting to be a lot. i know it’s senior year for you right now (that’s at least how i’m imagining it right now) and i know you have so many questions.

you’re pacing through your room right now, back and forth back and forth. you’ve been searching up too much reddit. you’re looking up different kinds of anti depressants and reading countless subreddits about them.

you’re thinking about not going to prom. which, honestly? that’s fine. a lot of people made a really big deal about it but thinking about it now, i don’t know if i’d call it a lost opportunity. it would have felt fake while i saw everyone else dancing around with someone they’d like. and even someone i liked.

i think about your obsession with a guy every once in a while. thinking about it now i understand why he was your type. sensitive but clinically and mentally ill - decent choice, but whatever! he was cute!

i’m sorry that you weren’t prepped for the future. here at 26, i’m starting my life over for the fourth time (i think?) and i’m just as clueless as you are. i envy you sometimes but also sometimes i don’t.

i think about how dark your days were. i think about your trip to the ER and the hopefulness you thought you had when getting addicted to xanax. it felt great and even yesterday when i took one, it felt fucking great.

i think about how hard everything was for you. a giant shock with no one to hold your hand. i remember you not knowing what to wear for your classes, how to make friends. how to do…anything. you made chili because it was easy. you bought ramen cookers and would walk miles to get to a burger king to get a cheap $4 whopper. you’d go all across town on little random adventures - which is something i still do.

it was so hard for you to go through being gay alone. i know, i know, you can say i had people supporting me but you know what’s not what i’m talking about.

i’m talking about feeling those intense moments at times. the ones where you’re like “i don’t want this to end” and “i can see myself like this forever.”

i think about some moments where your brain was flushed with endorphins, ones that i hope to be able to have again someday.

you spent your time being paranoid that all of this would go away. i wish i could tell you that it does, but not in the way you think. i wish i could have held your hand while you sat in the shower crying or maybe when you went to pick up your prescriptions. maybe i could have held your hand when you were eating at a mexican restaurant with our parents, the first time i’ve ever had a withdrawal.

i wish i could have told you to not chase the dreams people told you that you’re supposed to have. people don’t know what’s good for you. or maybe some people, but a majority just stick to what they know. what they been through. not what you’ve gone through.

it sucks you went through that alone. at 26, it gets a little better. a part of me feels more mature but also just as scared.

being gay at 26 is different but the same as it was at 18. you still get your feelings for straight men, but rather you get them through tiktok and various other apps. maybe even a few roommates as you’ll later discover.

it gets less tiring to come out all of the time, but at least you’ll eventually move somewhere that it’s more normalized.

i would take you to lunch honestly, your new favorite place is a mac and cheese shop in NYC and i think you’d love it. i think we’d talk about what’s going on with you - which is fear and nostalgia.

a recurring thing that’ll never leave us is the want for the past. maybe i’m typing this is because i’ve spent the last few months consuming media about how bad this is.

i know a part of me is romanticizing what i had in the past. it’s hard not to. if you look into the future, it’s pure fear and chaos. there’s nothing stable here and maybe i’d tell you that it doesn’t get better. the scenery is nicer but you’ll always have that anxious feeling in the back of your mind that you made the wrong choices.

and you did.