calls

sometimes after i have a nightmare i just wake up and pace. my hands feel a bit shaky and maybe my legs haven't really woken up yet, but i feel the need to pace. back and forth. back and forth. i move in a circular motion just trying to go to each corner of the room each time to create this rhythm that won't break my line of thought.

i've been having the same nightmare, or dream if you'd prefer, of getting a call from you on my birthday. it's been stuck on my mind a lot simply because i'm dreading the thought of if i'd even receive one and if i do, would i answer?

i'm always in the same spot each time, sitting on my apartment stairs as i sit there with my phone in my hands. your photo just bobbles up and down as i just stare into the distance. i watch the cars pass by and i think about how busy the park would have been during the daylight. i'm thinking about the Laundromat and the senior living across the street.

i try to think of everything around me so that i don't have to think about what's truly in front of me. you. jumping up and down for my attention as i do everything i can to avoid it.

it's a long train of thought on what to do. a part of me feels like it's respectful to you to not answer, as if i answered i wouldn't know if i'd be the person you'd think you'd want to speak to.

ever since i've known you I try to imagine myself in your head and each year it gets tougher and tougher - not so much as i don't know you anymore, but as i've become someone you probably wouldn’t recognize anymore. i compare myself to other people, other friends and they just seem so. easy.

they don't have any drama, they're just. there. doing their own thing. self-sufficient and ready to be picked at any time. 


within the last few months that we haven't talked, i don't have any data to gauge what your opinion is on me anymore. the same way my brain is just creating this idea of you based on memories of memories, i know we won't truly remember what we're truly like, rather we flanderized ourselves without even realizing it.

i do my best to do the opposite where i try to remember every detail now and then. maybe i'll go into a bookstore and see a book you poured your heart out into explaining to me or when i go to mcdonalds and remember the order you have. these thoughts feel like they're fading away but i feel like i'm trying my hardest not to let them escape.

however despite my efforts, i don't think you'll try to remember the small details about me anymore, you won't remember what's my favorite TV show or who's my favorite artist. we could go out to a restaurant and you'll forget which soda i prefer the most or get confused when i order my favorite pizza toppings.

you'll remember me as the guy you've known for years, obsessed with technology who's a bit shy and awkward. you'll remember i like cybersecurity and can't drive.

all of those memories with me have been overwritten by the new things in your life that don't involve me anymore. you can apologize and say it's because of how long we haven't seen each other, but i already know that. i've already come to that conclusion before you even told me.

i worry that in the timespan we haven't spoken that things have changed for the worse. like over that time, you realized its better to not speak to me. that i was a distraction for what you truly wanted in life. that i was holding you back.

maybe it's easier for you to wake up in the morning, grab a cup of coffee, and be on your way to work without thinking about texting me back. maybe texting me always felt like a chore and now it feels like a freedom when you don't have to do it.

the conversation we'll have always in this dream feels long despite only being actually a few hours in the real world. we talk about various topics but i imagine a list in my head of all the things i need to talk to you about. it feels like a grocery list speedrun, racing against the clock before the store closes. i check off every box trying to remember the things to ask you about.

i always start off and immediately cut you off each time. you're about to ask how i'm doing while i spit out every apology i can think of. i know time is limited, your time specifically. i'll apologize for the time i thought we had and the regret that i feel towards it. i should have optimized our time a lot more, asked to go out and maybe broken out of my shell a bit more. i should have said yes to the million things you asked me to do. i should have been more pushy and asked you to do more things as well.

i think about all of the events on eventbrite i thought about sending but hesitated each time. i tried to be considerate of your time. it always felt like you never had enough and that's even more true now.

after my apologies, we get to the next stage: acting. i know what i'm supposed to say and what you want to hear. in reality, i'm begging to vent to you about all the scary things that's been on my mind like i used to - like i don't know how to approach asking my roommates to be friends with me or how i still am scared to cook meals. i'd want to tell you about everything stressing me out like how work is a nightmare and i worry about debt.

i get one shot at this call and i may never get another call again, so i let these thoughts pass. each time i feel my throat getting tighter every time i swallow to hold back the want to really tell you about everything like i used to. but that's not what you want to hear, or rather, what you need to hear to stay on the line.