kindle

i have a library card and i think the libby app is pretty cool, but i still don't have a kindle. i fantasize about being one of those people on the subway - one hand on the silver hand rail, one holding their kindle.

i'll look mysterious while reading what probably is an extremely smart people book like "how to influence people and make friends" or whatever the top book on the Kindle store is. it makes me intriguing and it makes me feel like i’m someone who’s destined for something. someone too noble and someone to be proud of.

i'll never be the guy who volunteers on the weekend. every sunday morning at the food bank, clocking in as if that's their secondary job. talking with people, smiling - wearing a uniform of comfort and stability. along with maybe contributing to the neighborhood gardens.

i'll never be the guy who owns a tiny library book outside of my house and fill it with books every now and then. it's a simple one for sure, but that still requires the assembly.

i'll never be the guy who goes to a book club.

i can see the roughness of your hands from the weeds you pull every sunday to clean up your neighborhood garden, the scuff on your shoe from a food bank pallet you bumped into, and heaviness in your bag from the books you carry. it's a large contrast between you and me, where i know i’m supposed to find myself in you but i struggle to see anything even remotely similar.

i sometimes stare in awe at what i feel like i could be around you. you probably think i'm extremely clingy, but in reality i'm hoping that you just rub off on me as i be around you so often. i want my shoes to be scuffed and i want my hands to be just as rough. i want to feel like i have purpose in my life just as much as you do, but i don't know if it'll be as authentic as you.

you stand in front of me and while people can admire you on your looks or maybe even your clothing style, i admire you for being genuine. i feel like a fraud if i bought a kindle or learned a few things about plants. it just doesn't feel like me despite the fact i fantasize about it so often.

a part of me can't tell if i want this simply because it's a way to fantasize about you or maybe it's just that i’m desperate to know what it’s like to be interesting to someone.